Billy's Soliloquy

I wonder what he'll think of me
I guess he'll call me the "old man"
I guess he'll think I can lick
Ev'ry other feller's father -
Well, I can!

I bet that he'll turn out to be
The spittin' image of his dad
But he'll have more common sense
Than his puddin-headed father ever had!

I'll teach him to wrestle
And dive through a wave
When we go in the mornin's for our swim.
His mother can teach him
The way to behave
But she won't make a sissy out o' him!
Not him! Not my boy! Not Bill!

Bill... My boy Bill
I will see that he is named after me, I will.
My boy, Bill! He'll be tall
And as tough as a tree, will Bill!

Like a tree he'll grow
With his head held high
And his feet planted firm on the ground
And you won't see nobody dare to try
To boss or toss him around!
No pot-bellied, baggy-eyed bully
Will boss him around.

I don't give a hang what he does
As long as he does what he likes!
He can sit on his tail
Or work on a rail
With a hammer, hammering spikes!

He can ferry a boat on a river
Or peddle a pack on his back
Or work up and down
The streets of a town
With a whip and a horse and a hack.

He can haul a scow along a canal
Run a cow around a corral
Or maybe bark for a carousel.
Of course, it takes talent to do that well!

Aha-ha-ha-ha!
He might be a champ of the heavyweights,
Or a feller that sells you glue,
Or President of the United States,
That'd be all right, too
His mother would like that.
But he wouldn't be President if he didn't wanna be!
Not Bill!

My boy, Bill! He'll be tall
And as tough as a tree, will Bill
Like a tree he'll grow
With his head held high
And his feet planted firm on the ground
And you won't see nobody dare to try
To boss him or toss him around!
No fat-bottomed, flabby-faced,
Pot-bellied, baggy-eyed bully
Will boss him around.

And I'm hanged if he'll marry his boss' daughter
A skinny-lipped virgin with blood like water
Who'll give him a peck
And call it a kiss
And look in his eyes through a lorgnette...

Hey, why am I talkin' on like this?
My kid ain't even been born, yet!

I can see him when he's seventeen or so,
And startin' to go with a girl.
I can give him lots of pointers, very sound
On the way to get 'round any girl.
I can tell him ...
Wait a minute!
Could it be?
What the hell!

What if he - is a girl?

What would I do with her?
What could I do for her?
A bum with no money!
You can have fun with a son
But you gotta be a father to a girl.

She mightn't be so bad at that.
A kid with ribbons in her hair!
A kind o' sweet and petite
Little tin-type of her mother!
What a pair!

My little girl,
Pink and white
As peaches and cream is she.
My little girl
Is half again as bright
As girls are meant to be!
Dozens of boys pursue her
Many a likely lad, does what he can to woo her
From her faithful dad.
She has a few
Pink and white young fellers of two or three
But my little girl
Gets hungry ev'ry night and she comes home to me!

I-I got to get ready before she comes!
I got to make certain that she
Won't be dragged up in slums
With a lot o' bums like me.
She's got to be sheltered
In a fair hand dressed
In the best that money can buy!
I never knew how to get money,
But, I'll try, I'll try! I'll try!
I'll go out and make it or steal it
Or take it or die!